My intent here now (for what reason I may never know) is to write about my distrust of politics, the human mind, and power. power as in human mind control type power- the inadequacies of men and the gentleness of women (what??) And why I am not in another room- see I am confused. that's my line of flight- I need a way out and am fallin all over myself trying to do and see new experiences. But back to the power thing. CONTROL of the environement. That would be a sound base board to volley these thoughts off of. Like where we go and what we are as pertaining to control. The big C. I feel like a fly trapped in amber sometimes. Its like I know these things in my life are happening for a reason (good!) and yet cant wait to learn the lesson and get on with it. Life informs me. Yet and yet and yet. I. I cant wait- to get out of this room. Wow. better go. Jason.

everyone loves mystery right? well i wish someone would tell me the mystery behind how to get the pictures saved on my computer to this account here at zaadz. oh well,maybe someone from my childhood will be tooling about on the internet and create an account login and let me know. i need advice. cause i got some timely memories to share. remember the time, i would say, and then blam there would be another picture of me doing some of my favorite activities- fishing, hiking, love making (porn on zaadz?), rear ending a car's bumper with my bio diesel, hydrogen celled hummer..okay, enough of the silly non-pc stuff. I'm here for a reason right.?!. let me try figuring this out before i lose the spool of thread that is my mind- actually it'd be my brain, or no- maybe my....ah- whatever. zaadz may be actually bringing me closer to people. hey, it probably is making me reflect on myself a bit right now too. and wow, i'd be sitting here turning the pages in some boring book or magazine without it here (that'd be zaadz) inflecting on itself and permitting me the time and space and energy to cooperate and express something i have in my- wait, what was it- my creative frontal fried corscuple of pig's meat, ah......- i'm trying to make a point. that point being- writing is my main way of expressing ME, to me- first off, and secondly to any half way decently humble, patient and concerned human being (for my sanity?) who I might be sharing time and (space?) with right here in the ether of net web ever. See, computers shame me- here I am writing what it is I want with some vague remote intent and what would time and space have to do with any of it, anyway? well, i'll tell you. my space for this type of reflection is right in front of me all of the time. My ability to create people and places and experiences is front and center ALL OF THE TIME! Wow, dude, like, that's way the fuck out there. (and I'm at Zaadz, and not Myspace). And that is the beauty of this web-tool of innocence (because we are all innocent, no?!)- it exists all of the time, here, for me (and you and your friends and family and your pet albino aligator..) and is FREE! It means at all and any time i can be me, free, without expectation, if for any other reason than to try seeing what reflects back. hey, dont laugh, some 28 readers have viewed my first blog. I just wish it had an attached picture (not that I know what it would be of- other than my face!) Right now I am creating my world as I go forth into it- even though I may seem blind through all or most of it- to me and you- whoever the heck you are. I dont really care- the time, the space, and the drive to share and express and care is Here... Plus, it does something for the air. (And my emotional/psychic state). And too, I went to the same school as Zaadz's founder (UCLA- B.A. American Literature, 1997). That will look good on the backside cover of my flying saucer to inner space. Wow.

Officially I am now in the land of the all consumptive ether and am right to assume that in going here I am making a positive effort and step towards fruition and change. Not much to say though today. Back home from work in town where I assist a boy who has Autism in his schoolday. For some un-godly reason (but actually see here i am off cause God-like he is indeed!) he is enrolled at a small College prep school. For me this offers a glimpse into what life is like for the progressive community and their children in a psuedo-progressive quaint seaside town in Northern California (not to metion those not progressive but rather just plain lucky and or rich). The school is set up as a charter- each and every high school course is AP and a lottery is what deterrmines admission. Again, for me, a glimpse at life in an ordered quasi-utopian bastian of filthy privilege; for my keep (that'd be the kid) at times a friggin nightmare, but overall a sort of trance, interludes of momentary clarity and straining attempts at charm and grace. I must confess I grew up in a college town (Berkeley) and went to its prized public high school which in some remote ways mirrors the one I work at so I have some inkling as to the way things are there. But often I am hopeless in attempting to dispell my child's concerns, griefs and misery. Often I just write whatever it is off and stick to my goal all along which has never had anything to do with schoolwork but rather lies in connection. Here I have to say I have had my must pleasurable moments. Ah, yes, it has been fantastic and nice to sit in on 7th grade history lessons taught by practicing professors from the local UC. And I am often intrigued by the films and labs set forth for class by the science teachers. But all of that said, knowing that another mind is always there to interact with is tantalizing. I love the challanges of breaking through toward connection with my kid. It makes me want to be at work. Everyone should be so lucky (MORE DAYS!) Temple Grandin is a high functioning autistic working and publishing as a college proffesor. She is known for creating a sane and KIND way to process beef (if such a thing exists) by placing pressure on the cow's body before its life is terminated. From what I understand her story involves a real coming of age and evolution. Like a slave finding his freedom or a sinner coming into the light of salvation she really had her world rocked at an early age in such a pertinent way- realizing the power of doors. One metaphor she uses for her awakening into self-awareness involves what lies behind the closed door. As a child doors held great meaning to her- quite literally- as she persistantly dreamt of other worlds on the otherside. I want to say here that my student also loves doors (and keys and key holes) and I testify here today that I will continue to beat the thread of that which lies on the otherside as a pertinent metaphor to both his life but also my life and the life of every other human on this planet. There is something to the idea of a frontier. And I dont mean space- moon- nevada- montana- and the rings of saturn when I say 'frontier'. I am talking about internal space. I am referring to the knots in the mind- the inpenetrable knots in our psychic makeup that we are all trying to hole so that our lives may be a little less uninteresting and hard; so that we may live out more and more lives and visit more and more worlds more and more times. We all want the courage to face these frontiers, go through these space time holes. because really, what we are evading in lots of our lives is the fear we face when faced with our own internal frontiers. Right now, my fear of a love that I am unable to define (but I know is different from Romantic love) is what drives me batty. I am scared to give up on the idea of Romantic love- its comfort, nearness and acceptability, its reassurances and singularity, its feelings of uniqueness and specialty. I am scared because the love I know exists everywhere is Universal, Divine and Cosmic (not to mention Comic) but seems sometimes so unforgiving, so impersonal. Romace means all I gotta do is spend some time, shell out some cash, and do so for ONE person other than myself. (And honestly, I am as far from Romeo as they come). Cosmic unity means I have all my time devoted to that theme; and everything else! Maybe I think absolutely. I dont know; maybe what I need is ME (as an extension of Cosmic, Comic, Unity and Uniqueness!) and leave it at that. So, there it is, I am scared of more than a few things; but leaving the surface just barely scratched here will have to suffice. We all have so much love to share (as someone once said); we oughta try doing it. No one is any more (or less) unique than anyone else- so from here I intend to tackle my frontiers - making my writing a vehicle for this change that is taking shape inside of me. Here has been my testimony. I am gonna take each new day as an opportunity to tackle both my student's and my issues- work together opening our doors; and in so doing maybe shed some light on the silence's mystery- in and behind, on the otherside, and part and parcel of our shared existence here on this little old planet we call home.